Personal Essay: No Need To Judge

While shopping at Target, I encountered a mother of three children: two girls of approximately five and seven, as well as a toddler who had been wrapped onto the mother’s hip. The oldest daughter wore clothing children normally wear for an outing. However, the middle child had been dressed as Anna from the Disney film, Frozen. The toddler had a zip-up winter onesie, and the mother had apparently skipped that day’s shower (or maybe even more).

As the older sisters argued over a toy, I witnessed the mom attempt to correct their behavior. But then, with her mouth hanging open, she said nothing. Instantly, her shoulders slouched in defeat. At that moment, I almost judged her. Yet, her reaction caused me to recollect my public parenting fails.

Recognizably, every mother has a different journey.

Yes, it’s easy for me—a mother of a boy and girl with a six-year age gap—to judge.

It’s so easy for me, the mother of one kid who’s walking next to the cart and the other sleeping in her car seat, to judge.

I have maintained my self-identity by allocating time to shower and continue to tend to my marriage. However, I only have two kids who are in two very different developmental stages, versus three children who are close in age.

When I was a kid (and older sibling), I couldn’t stand to be left in charge of my sister. Not that I didn’t love her, because I do. But there were times I felt that I had to grow up too fast, since I had to tend to her. Yet, now as a mother, I find myself too often depending on my seven-year-old son to keep an eye on his sister—just so that I can use the restroom.

At that moment in Target, as I passed the defeated mother of three, I banished my judgmental thoughts. And I reminded myself that I had no right to diminish her parenting efforts when I lacked understanding of her circumstances.

I have two, and she had three.

Obviously, she had more responsibility than I do. And for that simple reason, as I passed the overworked-and-overdue-for-a-break mother of three, I gave her a kind smile and sympathetic head nod.

Frankly, my lack of experience in her situation instantly lessened any need to judge. Because I don’t know her struggles: I don’t know how long it took her to get three kids ready and out the door. I struggle with my two, and I can only imagine what efforts it took her to leave her home—alone—with three littles!

My only experience with three kids: My husband’s younger brother is 18 years younger than him, but my youngest brother-in-law is six-years-older than my son. Thus, my son’s ‘lil uncle, as we call him, and my son have developed more like brothers than what would be an expected relationship between an uncle and nephew. At first, their relationship was adorable. But as my son aged, he began to rebel against his ‘lil uncle. For the most part, they play well. But my son dislikes his uncle’s frequent demanding ways; thus, commence the bickering.

My son and his uncle’s disagreements are no different than the daughters of the defeated mother of three from Target. As I continued my trip through the store, from a distance I could hear the girls scream over the same toy. My heart ached for that mother of three, as I could only imagine those around her unjustly judging, just like I almost did.

How easy it was for me to forget the time I took my then three-year-old son to Ross. He was tired, but I had to buy him a backpack. He was hungry and in need of a nap, and of course, I was sympathetic—because I’m his mom. I knew that that wasn’t his norm.

However, the couple with the newborn, who were ten feet away, didn’t know that how my son was behaving was unusual for him. Maliciously, they felt the need to taunt us by saying, “I can’t take you anywhere …” Painfully, this wasn’t the only hurtful comment they said: they mocked and snickered from behind a wall of shoes, for almost five minutes. My son’s tear-filled eyes, full of questions gaped up at me from below. Seeing his hurt expression and the fact that some strangers with a newborn, would just mock … my child?! Instantly, my inner-tiger mama flared and without a second thought, a thunderous bitchy retort shot out of my mouth: “I too thought my son would never behave like this. Oh, how Karma has humbled me.” Quickly, those insensitive adults with a newborn shut their ignorant traps.

For those who lack experience with an array of children, here’s a reality check: All children are emotionally unpredictable. As adults, we’re responsible for their safety; and it takes years and effort for a child to behave desirably in public. And for those who have more than one child, sometimes it never happens. The mother I’ve written about could have easily publicly spanked and yelled at her daughters. Honestly, I believe she was just beaten by parenthood and had no more strengthen to deal with another squabble over a trivial item. Regardless of a parent’s parenting style, lax or overbearing, it’s none of anyone’s business. In fact, unless a child is in immediate danger—we should just back the eff off!